Dear Mom
Since you have gone things have not been the same, as you could imagine. The people you know have crumbled in some shape or form as if you took parts of them when you left, me included. Your youngest son Charles has been deep in drugs and abuse, your youngest daughter is lying to herself and to others to fill and impossible hole and the rest of us have many obligations to uphold that keeps us a float but once in a while we fall towards despair and grief. Your ex-husband is still and asshole. He hasn't assumed any position as a parent unless it serves him to do so...nothing has changed with him although he is starting to loose his memory a bit, that kinda saddens me.
There were a few things you asked for that I am not proud to say I haven't fulfilled....yet. Your ex-husband and I are not friends still, he is not close to his son nor willing to be a father to help him through his rough patch(can I really call it a rough patch when it's been 12 years since you died and he has done nothing but destroy the quality of his, and most of the people around him, life?). I have tried to make amends with the fifth daughter but she is too far into her own self pity and hatred to look beyond. My only ope is that her daughter does not get afflicted by her skeletons she drags with her. Everyone talks about family and how we need to be more like one but no one really makes an effort to do so. I have made attempts to bring closure with things that won't matter when we die but the bigger picture isn't in 3D for them just yet.
I am married, no kids don't want them, to a man that makes me feel like Christmas everyday. He is so damn smart and loving and understanding, you would be proud to call him Son. We live in the bay area, right now, so that he can get his degree in something that moves him, also rare to find; I'm pretty sue you sent him to me as a challenge and to ground me....thank you. I'm afraid that I will fuck it up by wanting to be the free spirit that I am and not honor his wants and desires as well, it's a process. I use to smell you all the time and now I can't remember what you smell like anymore. I can't see your face when I dream, hear you when you sing or feel you when I'm sick and need to lay on your lap to get better but I know your there.
I'm writing to you so that you know what is going on with your family, even when your gone, so that you may have some sort of say when all hell has broke loose and someone needs a voice in the dark to make it out; you can speak through me if you'd like. I know you are missing out on all the grandbabies that are being borne or the greatgrands so I make sue that I hold, kiss and love on each one of them for you with your good intentions. I make sure I tell them stories of how great you "are" and what wonderful things you did for others selflessly day in and out. I try to keep God out of most conversations, as you did with us, because it's a personal choice to seek a higher power that I can not steer, guide or taint with my views; always want them to know there is something greater than we humans but "we" have to journey individually. I tried to reach out to the younger siblings but only one wanted to share love, life and happiness and she isn't yours....but she is awesome, you would have liked her. The older ones have lost their way, found it and lost it again so this too is a process.
For me, my heart aches for you woman. I can not believe you would leave me here with these people as if I could do anything that would mater or make sense....but I am so glad you trusted me to do it. I feel, some days, the task is for an adult but when I look in the mirror sometimes I see that adult hoping someone would rescue her but no one shows up. I know this was hard for you to go and let go. I know you didn't leave on purpose, if you could have left a handbook behind so that I could follow you more closely would I have been in better shape than I am? People say that this type of sorrow happens for a reason and that we become stringer because of it. To those who say that have never lost you. I am grateful that I got to be your daughter. I am grateful you gave me so many sisters and brothers. I am blessed that we had our time together when we did. I miss you so very much lady. I hope you read this with tears of joy that someone is still looking out for you and yours.
When I need you and that will be always and soon, can you give m a bit of a sign that it's you on my shoulder? Just a quick hug or wind blowing on my face to tell me I'm not alone, your with me, you love me? I'd appreciate it. Until that time............
Your 6th girl and 7th child, Robin.
There were a few things you asked for that I am not proud to say I haven't fulfilled....yet. Your ex-husband and I are not friends still, he is not close to his son nor willing to be a father to help him through his rough patch(can I really call it a rough patch when it's been 12 years since you died and he has done nothing but destroy the quality of his, and most of the people around him, life?). I have tried to make amends with the fifth daughter but she is too far into her own self pity and hatred to look beyond. My only ope is that her daughter does not get afflicted by her skeletons she drags with her. Everyone talks about family and how we need to be more like one but no one really makes an effort to do so. I have made attempts to bring closure with things that won't matter when we die but the bigger picture isn't in 3D for them just yet.
I am married, no kids don't want them, to a man that makes me feel like Christmas everyday. He is so damn smart and loving and understanding, you would be proud to call him Son. We live in the bay area, right now, so that he can get his degree in something that moves him, also rare to find; I'm pretty sue you sent him to me as a challenge and to ground me....thank you. I'm afraid that I will fuck it up by wanting to be the free spirit that I am and not honor his wants and desires as well, it's a process. I use to smell you all the time and now I can't remember what you smell like anymore. I can't see your face when I dream, hear you when you sing or feel you when I'm sick and need to lay on your lap to get better but I know your there.
I'm writing to you so that you know what is going on with your family, even when your gone, so that you may have some sort of say when all hell has broke loose and someone needs a voice in the dark to make it out; you can speak through me if you'd like. I know you are missing out on all the grandbabies that are being borne or the greatgrands so I make sue that I hold, kiss and love on each one of them for you with your good intentions. I make sure I tell them stories of how great you "are" and what wonderful things you did for others selflessly day in and out. I try to keep God out of most conversations, as you did with us, because it's a personal choice to seek a higher power that I can not steer, guide or taint with my views; always want them to know there is something greater than we humans but "we" have to journey individually. I tried to reach out to the younger siblings but only one wanted to share love, life and happiness and she isn't yours....but she is awesome, you would have liked her. The older ones have lost their way, found it and lost it again so this too is a process.
For me, my heart aches for you woman. I can not believe you would leave me here with these people as if I could do anything that would mater or make sense....but I am so glad you trusted me to do it. I feel, some days, the task is for an adult but when I look in the mirror sometimes I see that adult hoping someone would rescue her but no one shows up. I know this was hard for you to go and let go. I know you didn't leave on purpose, if you could have left a handbook behind so that I could follow you more closely would I have been in better shape than I am? People say that this type of sorrow happens for a reason and that we become stringer because of it. To those who say that have never lost you. I am grateful that I got to be your daughter. I am grateful you gave me so many sisters and brothers. I am blessed that we had our time together when we did. I miss you so very much lady. I hope you read this with tears of joy that someone is still looking out for you and yours.
When I need you and that will be always and soon, can you give m a bit of a sign that it's you on my shoulder? Just a quick hug or wind blowing on my face to tell me I'm not alone, your with me, you love me? I'd appreciate it. Until that time............
Your 6th girl and 7th child, Robin.
Comments
Post a Comment