Looking Back

Taking some time to look back on writings long ago and noticed I wrote 1 sentence that blew me away in an unpublished blog..."when will the one you love notice how sad you are"? The year was 2010. I am currently divorced in 2017. He never noticed and if he did, he did nothing.
This is an eye opener. Talking with good friends who say I should be more compassionate to him and what hw may be going through and that made my butt pucker for a second. I thought I had been quite cruel in the wake of our demise but no...fuck no. He didn't see my sickness nor did he help. He was selfish and distant feeding his ego with the masses who preyed on his supposed energetic abuse delivered by supposed me. From the outside it does fit a criteria if you lined up broken puzzle pieces. To the rest if us with common sense and are not in a mental prison, till death do you part meant nothing nor did I after some time. I did try to be compassionate to his sadness and his untimely departure with me but I was met with anger, regret, shame, blame and sometimes he would display a type of kindness as long as I wasn't talking to anyone, going out and enjoying myself or trying to move on. You never see the cage until you are free from your captor.
September 8th I became officially divorced and it didn't feel like anything I wanted. I thought I'd have a sigh of relief or a moment to breakdown and feel the pressure off my person but no. The trauma I have endured will take a while to let go and during that time I plan to forgive myself for falling I love with someone who never deserved me. May peace always be my journey mind body and spirit.