Clarity

Recently I watched a movie that depicted some characteristics of my family and our eminent progression towards our personal demons, individual demons and our collective hive mind demons that only we can interpret. Trying to tell people about my family looks like lying. The stories we share together sounds like a sitcome yet what we lived on a regular basis doesn't come close to the rainbows and glitter we sell to the rest of the world. It started, for me, in the Thomas House.

Holbrook N Highlands CA

My very first memory realized, awakened my complete self when I ascended to teenage status. One night, while sleeping, I had a dream that shook me to my bones and made me ask more questions about my family. The first tangible dream I've ever had came to me in sweet reward.
At the tender age of 2 years old, sitting in a highchair, I remembered smelling something amazing. Couldn't really put my finger on the smell. It was a fuzzy memory yet I could feel all the excitement with all of the happy feels one should recieve on her birthday. I did not know it was my birthday until my parents began can to sing.  I had not noticed what the song might have been but it jingled which made me move violently in my high chair, gleefully of course.

My Mom was wearing a blue fluffy flowy dress that collected around her shoulders, sinched at her waist then hung in little corners folded over one another, I later found out that they are called, pleats I guess.  Her hair was full, big to my recollection, but perfectly quaffed so you could see her beautiful face. No makeup to speak of because she didnt need it. Just her natural skin and beauty the stars gave her.
My Father wore a browm 3 piece liesure suit that displayed little mushrooms on the inside of his jacket. His shirt was a stripped blue possibly green in color, very light in comparisson to his overall brown assemble complete with a skinny brown belt and gold buckle. His hair reminded me of Bozo The Clown because he was balding you see, right down the middle of his head but he still rocked a fro with a, what I now know to be, questionable mustache. They were smiling at me and singing Happy Birthday.

I remember sitting in that chair swinging my arms to the music happy in my ridiculously adorable baby girl dress, fit for Normal Rockwell and Beaver Cleaver. Fluffinees everywhere. If I was able to speak I would have told them that it was embarrassing as well as humiliating to dress a child like a doll but those were the 70's and that's what you did back then. The smell. The smell of something so good that it permiated through the living room from the kitchen where we three, I assumed, were currently. I will never forget that smell because it is my only true addiction to this day, Chocolate. Chocolate was one of my first loves as a new entity on the planet earth. I didn't know how powerful those things were until much later in life, I digress.

Sitting in that chair, listening to my parents sing, smelling Chocolate then...the cupcake with a burning candle. I remember my eyes widen with awe. I had never seen something so illuminating. What was it?! Was it for me?! Can I touch it?! Can I eat it?! What was it for?! All those questions didn't matter as long as I could taste the smell that wouldn't leave my immediate joy. My parents ended the song with smiles while leaning into my personal space to blow out the candle. My eyes flapped and fluttered when they collectively blew it out, shock which was my face, my parents were encouraging me to try the cupcake. I remember flapping my arms about in excitement. I remember making gurgiling sounds instead of speaking trying to convey so type of gratitude. My hands made contact with the cupcake. Warm goo in my fingers. I squished it between each digit feeling it's bits. My hand hit the cupcake a second time reaching the cake portion. Doughy. Warm. Comfortable. familiar for some reason. After my quality check of the gift that was given by my parents, I quickly shoved my hands in my mouth. The exquisite silliness of the warm chocolate and cake lifted my senses into a full out frenzy. My face must have said a lot because my parents began to laugh uncontrollably. It seemed like slow motion. My Mom's face squinted and her mouth opened wider. My Father's eyes revealed lines around the corners of his face while his mustache lifted towards his cheekbones. Both of my parents heads tossed behind their backs in unison exposing their necks, throats, muscles, tendons all beacuse I ate chocolate and loved it more than anything else they've ever given me. My Mother's dimples grew in size. My Father's lips pursed and made farting noises. The whole room came alive with laughter. It was only then I realized there were other people in the room with us. It was loud laughter. So loud it frightened me, I began to cry.
My Mom took her finger and dipped it into the cucpcake then, she placed the chocolate on my lips. I licked my lips happily again. Swinging my legs. Flailing my arms. Happiness restored.