You think you want to know...
It's never when you want to know that you know and wished you hadn't. I recently experienced this in the worse possible way however, it was the truth I needed to hear to move further into whatever it is I am planning for my future.
I was told recently that my ex-husband has had relations with one of my sisters who also had relations with my ex-boyfriend/best friend and his cousin, our other sisters' husband and god knows who else. My sperm donor never wanted me and tried to break me down because I had a strong will. And, when he couldn't do that, he decided to torment me with systematic methods that would ensure my failures in life psychologically. Who the fuck does that?! I have to abandon my blood family because...well, there are some reasons above if you would like to recap.
All my romantic involvements, the people I loved with my whole heart, the man I said I love you and promised my soul, all have hate piss and vinegar in their veins and never loved me. I'm not sure if I know what love means anymore. I'm not sure if I have been shown a proper representation and if I had, would I have even recognized it? It has been the utmost shitshow this year with emotional baggage and letting go. I'm not sure I have room for all the foundational breaks I have sustained. I'm 43. I don't trust anyone anymore. I'm stuck in an emotionally unhealthy relationship with myself through nurture and nature. This, in turn, allows me to have outstandingly putrid relations with others. And, these are not the words I would use to describe my particular malaise but, I guess, without knowing it, I have set people up in my life to fail because I know it will. I see their bullshit and have the audacity to believe my goodness will change them...I'm a fucking idiot.
I'm abandoning my emotional self to follow logic because it's easier to navigate humans on a daily basis. Is that the right course of action? Probably not for a person like myself but I'm out of options and ideas without care and a longing for the pain to end. Empty is a word. Lonely is a state. Giving up is the action, which looks much like surrendering.
I was told recently that my ex-husband has had relations with one of my sisters who also had relations with my ex-boyfriend/best friend and his cousin, our other sisters' husband and god knows who else. My sperm donor never wanted me and tried to break me down because I had a strong will. And, when he couldn't do that, he decided to torment me with systematic methods that would ensure my failures in life psychologically. Who the fuck does that?! I have to abandon my blood family because...well, there are some reasons above if you would like to recap.
All my romantic involvements, the people I loved with my whole heart, the man I said I love you and promised my soul, all have hate piss and vinegar in their veins and never loved me. I'm not sure if I know what love means anymore. I'm not sure if I have been shown a proper representation and if I had, would I have even recognized it? It has been the utmost shitshow this year with emotional baggage and letting go. I'm not sure I have room for all the foundational breaks I have sustained. I'm 43. I don't trust anyone anymore. I'm stuck in an emotionally unhealthy relationship with myself through nurture and nature. This, in turn, allows me to have outstandingly putrid relations with others. And, these are not the words I would use to describe my particular malaise but, I guess, without knowing it, I have set people up in my life to fail because I know it will. I see their bullshit and have the audacity to believe my goodness will change them...I'm a fucking idiot.
I'm abandoning my emotional self to follow logic because it's easier to navigate humans on a daily basis. Is that the right course of action? Probably not for a person like myself but I'm out of options and ideas without care and a longing for the pain to end. Empty is a word. Lonely is a state. Giving up is the action, which looks much like surrendering.
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