10mins of mind dumping

I haven't written for a while. Maybe its because so much has happened. I guess I have been wrestling with some foundational know-how and some old habits that continue to spread like rabbits. anyhoo, I've been searching for myself for quite some time about the kind of person I'd like to be. Every time I try to change myself the old me bursts through and makes a fucking mess of what I'm trying to build. Yes, I know that it's me self sabotaging the hell out of what could be the best thing that ever happened to me but, WTF?! It seems as though I want to change but that change might disrupt the mental me that still wants to fight and live among the wreck it creates, however, I am tired of fixing that shit and want a better life. How can I bridge the two and make them one? That kind of level of awareness is within me yet, I don't believe I have the discipline to carry it forward. I want to so badly. What is y problem?!! I don't know. What I do know is that I can' go to school without paying off my student loans and have an income that isn't as shaky as my hands when times get tough. What does this say about me? Am I really this fucked up? I don't want to be. I want to be normal but the universe didn't make me that way nor did she give me the blueprints to navigate this vessel properly. I am all kinds of fucked up and alone trying to do whats suppose to be my best but do I actually show the fuck up when needed? I have no idea. I assume so but who the fuck really knows. I'm just trying to be a good person to myself and to those I love but I seem to fuck that up royally. I'm not trying to belittle myself but the shortcomings are taxing and abundant. I just want a real life that doesn't involve a struggle with money and purpose anymore. It has to be better not dead than alive. There is so much more room to be who you want without the confidence of money or all the other earthly bullshit we endure. I can't believe that this is it. This is life and we don't get to have mental powers or more strength or speed, we are just this and this alone. What's the purpose of us anyway? What do we serve besides ourselves? Why are we here? Where did we come from and why aren't they reaching to get us back? Fuck!!!!!!!!!!

Think I'm losing what's left my sanity. 
I think its time to just let go and let it all happen.