Out of Practice

Being by myself proved to be the medicine I needed when I returned to Portland. The silence was deafening, the noise was painful, people were walking blobs of overwhelming emotional projections that lure, lurk, sneer and devour each other's essence with impunity. It's a dark circus to witness but it's also telling how we could be towards one another yet, we don't see one another's hurt or shame until it's too late. I am a victim of this of late. 

 It occurred to me, I haven't any social skills. When I decided to sleep with my best friend and got wrapped up in my head, all cool points flew out the window and tunneled into hell. The rug wasn't as sturdy as I thought and my plan to be open slammed shut once I allowed myself to have feelings and actually feel them. Frightening, to say the least. More importantly, I couldn't handle emotions. Funny thing when you've decided you don't have them with certain experiences, people, situations until you do. Most of which come out from nowhere and nothing will fix the box once it's opened. I felt I tried to articulate. I didn't do a good job. I tried again and made it worse. I tried to use someone's view or tactic and failed miserably. Empathy was a good choice until it wasn't. Silence is all the cards I have and so far they remain intact. What I have learned is that not all people can and or will respond in kind nor will they have the skills you possess. What you've acquired is not the fountain spring you believe it to be for others, just you. And, so, I am left with the utmost shame and regret, guilt riddled from knowing better than to meddle yet so proud of myself for trying. The epicosity will be a trivial remembrance in the near future. For now, I sit patiently waiting for the results of my folly and stand true to my punishment. I deserve what I receive, that I know but, will this drag on and on for better or worse? I guess time will show it's face when the bridge collapses and the road erodes into earth again. Shame I'm still shaking the grass of tall bushes. I very much would like to be the treetops cascading in the wind telling secrets to butterflies and birds, however, I am rebuilding my foundation and may not see the clearing until further notice. For now, I am awaiting my trial. For now, I keep busy.

"What do you want"?

Good question. I want what everyone wants but I'm not sure that's for me. Love. I've been shown the worse possible examples of this that continue to spill all over what good I get. And that good is few and far between. The recent good had a cracked foundation which is why I proceeded. Again, I was wrong to think broken can be beautiful together if only...if only. The Japanese call the technique of mending broken objects with gold a beautiful name yet it eludes me at the moment to make this point. In humans, you can achieve this notion. Some have. I have failed at it. I probably don't know the rules to said repair. Thought I did. Not all things can be or will be. The decision to be is up to the person. I keep forgetting. Not all laws apply to mass groupings and not all groups will adhere. I digress.

" What do you want"? 

 I want to be happy with a human who actually gets me, sees me, wants to be with me, cherishes me, uplifts me, challenges me, worships the ground I walk on because I do the same for him, respects me even when I don't respect myself, honors me no matter where I am in life, protects me from others and myself. The list is long and I feel as though I may be asking for a lot however, the things asked are basic human needs and desires. Who doesn't deserve that?! I have to be the thing I want in order to receive the love I desire. Fucking hard to do. It's a tall order for sure but I believe I'm worth the struggle. I believe I'm worth the time it takes to get to know me, love me. I believe I am the whole package waiting to be opened. Doesn't matter what I believe, it's what people see and the projections displayed. Why is it this hard?! Anyway, I thought he would be my champion in the long run. I thought many things. By being who I am and the baggage I carry, it's not a wonder I will be alone in this life. I work on myself constantly, not good enough I guess. Still, more to do, as per usual. Onward and forward, right?