I. Have. Arrived

Let's be clear.

 I have been here for a long time as an apparition. A fraction of a former shadow of my broken self birthed from the eyes of nurture, nature and the onslaught of disturbed men I have chosen to wreck my spirit one piece at a time.

 Before I reached this echelon of strength, I allowed many atrocities to embody my vessel. Alcohol, drugs, undeserving men/women, concepts, quick schemes and the like; all to gain the approval of too many not seeking the same from me. I asked myself, "What's most important in Life"? Because I knew nothing of the self because I searched outside the self because I allowed someone else to dictate whom I'd like to be, the answers are muddled, much like my mind, and the murky waters of time deepened the river and cleaned only lightweight debris. 

 I failed at asking due to not knowing what should be asked. I failed at pretending due to my mental prisons hostile take over. I failed at ambition for wanting others to rise as my own. Who. Are. You?

 Clarity came in the form of heartache, heartbreak, breakdown, downward spirals, desperation, hopelessness and not enough patience for the process at hand. Broken would have been a joyride in comparison. After speaking no words for 30days, after listening in to so-called "friends", before the last bits of my energy was depleted. .I turned my back on the world. I resided in silence closed in domicile spewing piss and vinegar to all who oppressed me, which was me, and tortured its meat undesirable. Bones hanging to flesh clinging to death desperate for another breath, not mine.  

 To be fair, it was an awesome adventure using sadistic hedonism to my full advantage and tossing its young in ditches yet, this wasn't what could be in the eyes of me and I wanted the freedom to be.

 I lay dormant. Dumbfounded and disgusted at my small attempts to see the trees and make a forest. Sounding off to the universe, like a spoiled child, I raged till nightfall and it came with a damming price to prick end scene. Not the answer wanted. Not the right course of action. Try. Again.

 So I did. I tried to keep the wolves at bay. I tried to quiet the voices which screamed I was undeserving of anything positive. I stuffed the resounding parchment, written in black, in books refused to be read and laid the burden of others down, quietly, gently so as not to disturb their ongoing war and set them aside they raged by themselves. I relinquished those who served their own and surrendered to the unknown. By allowing, the universe tended to my garden of life and pulled up the weeds trimmed the hedges and planted a more resilient herb and flower garden fit for a warrior poet.

 Words have a different meaning.

 Songs land truer.

 Colors live in every season and time of day.

 I became clear. I became aware. I realized a road not traveled not mentioned or whispered about and took its disheveled carcass as my own. Through elbow grease and leftover tears, I made this forgotten patch into an oasis. There are corners that need tending to, and I'll give them my attention once I've showered.

 So, let's be clear.