Why So Negative?

Because the powers that be gave me license to use this voice, so I do.

Because its more important to be honest than to tell the lie to make people comfortable, which will sound just as jarring.

Because the only way to get through to some is with some harsh words with deep expletives to drive the point home.

Because...

  I use to be full of positivity until I got married, then divorced. The belief contained hippy faery notions that all deserve a second or third or fourth chance to get things right which made all person on the planet absolved of any wrong doing...much like the catholic church would advise.
This strong belief led me to heartache, suffering, scarring my soul and selling my true self to the lowest bidder; for what did I receive in return?
Energy taken.
Self respect lost.
Independence forgotten.
Lack of sleep.
Lack of respect for myself.
Confusion.
Extrovert license revoked.
Lost of "Friends".
Depletion...you can name a few and It would be correct.

After the deaths of friends and family, after many "Friends" disappearing into the mist of their own malaise, after everything I knew and loved had left my immediate comfort, traveling stage left, I became lost, a shadow fraction of the former self I once had a kinship with...negative was the ride or die side saddle passenger of my nom de clure. The power wielded in my tiny palms was intoxicating. Not to say there were not moments of regret to some who obviously did not deserve all of what held inside my resting piss and vinegar; I apologized promptly which looked, on the surface, a waste of words emphasizing its power to the inth.

There was a period of silence that came suddenly, not planned, which gave me pause. I began to see people as their true selves. I began to watch more carefully to what they said and how they said it and to whom they directed their will towards. The extrovert whom could not have silent nights became the ambassador of hurry up and wait. What a gift. Wasn't until the person I trusted most joined the ranks of the many, that will now be referred to as "The Great Purge", I saw in truth and could not accommodate their behavior. Letting go was hard but feeling free from judgement and expectation was like drinking fresh water from a glacier in the morning mists of winter.

There are some freedoms you can't put a price on.

During this "Meantime" of my life there was a sudden urge to get back to civilization, to be a part of the collective, yet that was a child's desire to not be the wierd one in the lunch room sitting alone. Funny how old knee jerk responses will make its birth when you've settled into the backseat drive to your own life. Fleeting the thought. Many times I have dipped a toe and ran shivering back to my comfortable blankets of observation. I have changed, people have not. Will I make my way back to the collective ever again, I think so yet I don't believe it will be the same.

Grateful to have the insight.
Grateful to be wiser.
Grateful for the lesson wrapped in the worse pain imaginable.

Why so negative?
It's a good tool to have.